Fighting

Arranged Fights
Any fight that has been "arranged" to defend ownership of an item, honor, claim to a female, or other issues not enumerated yet implied should be declared a 'fair fight', and as such becomes subject to the laws listed below. These laws are based on the Marquess of Queensberry rules of boxing, regarded as the basic canon of fair fighting in modern boxing. However, the laws pertaining to Arranged Fights have been modified to allow for a more liberal application of kick-ass.
 * 1) If either man falls through weakness or otherwise, he must get up unassisted within 10 seconds as to be counted by the referee. The other man returns to his corner, and when the fallen man is on his legs the round is to be resumed and continued until knockout. If one man fails to stand-up or regain composure in the 10 seconds allowed, it will be the responsibility of the referee to give his award in favor of the other man.
 * 2) Should the fight be stopped by uncontrollable interference, the referee will arrange a new time and place for the match to occur.
 * 3) Failing to meet the time and date of a match counts as a withdrawal, and the other man is declared the winner.
 * 4) A man on one knee is considered down. If the downed man is hit, the referee has the authority to call the match in the downed man's favor.
 * 5) A man hanging on the ropes, bar, or any other kind of boundary marker is considered down.
 * 6) Pulling of hair is illegal (and also makes you look like a douche).
 * 7) Throwing of sand/dirt is prohibited.
 * 8) Participants will be limited to two.
 * 9) All strikes must be above the belt, or below the thigh. Intentional groin shots are prohibited.
 * 10) The nipples of each participant shall remain unpinched, unpincered, and left alone in general.
 * 11) Gouging of the eyes is prohibited.
 * 12) Reaching into another man's mouth ("fish-hooking") is prohibited.
 * 13) Scratching is prohibited. This, too, makes you look like a douche.
 * 14) Biting is allowed only if agreed upon by both participants before the match, each participant verbally acknowledging the inherent risks involved.
 * 15) Non-lethal weapons are technically allowed, and like biting, must be agreed upon by each participant before the match. In many states, however, certain weapons are prohibited due to the questionable lethality of the weapon, and most states have strict limits on weapons that will make you look like a tool (nun-chucks, sai, etc.)
 * 16) Lethal weapons prohibited. (does not pertain to using VHS copy of Lethal Weapon as blunt instrument)

Exceptions exist to the rule of one-on-one:

 * 1) If another man is seen beating a woman or child, you may fight said man with as many friends as you wish; he clearly does not mind an unfair fight and non-verbally agrees to have his whole day fucked up.
 * 2) In the event of an unplanned fight (meaning no referee), it is permissible for a man's friends to become involved only if their friend's health is in peril, or the opposing party's friends become involved. In that case, fuck, it's on.
 * 3) In the event of a massive imbalance of numbers, it is permissible to bring out melee weapons up to and including a blade that can be defined as manly. Buck knifes and K-Bars are allowed, whereas quarter inch pocket knives are not, unless it is on a swiss army knife. The Anchorman Clause also allows for the use of unique and awesomely manly weapons, such as tridents and spear-guns.
 * 4) A fair fight is over after the losing man has fallen and is bloody, beaten and cannot (or will not) get back up under his own will. Kicking a man while he is down is unnecessary in a manly fight and will result in street rules being initiated. Attacking another man after he goes down to continue beating is what you did in High School, you're a man now.
 * 5) Taunting is acceptable but style points will be given for one-liners and/or zingers. Snappier is better.

Not Arranged Fights

 * In any fight that has not been "arranged", (i.e.: a man starts a bar fight because a man doesn't need a reason to do something so awesome) "street rules" apply.

Street Rules

 * All is fair in love and war.

Man/Woman Fights
No man shall fistfight a woman. This is a lose-lose situation. If you win, you're a woman beater. If you lose, it's the end of your manliness. Even women deemed honorary men are off limits when fighting.


 * Caveat: If a woman hits a man like a man (hard, in the face, with a closed fist)she should expect to be hit back like a man. The retaliation is limited to one(1) blow. The woman's initial attack must be witnessed by impartial individuals or mutual friends. If the man taunts the woman into hitting him, the rule does not apply. This rule is VERY dangerous to invoke, as your manliness is in serious jeopardy if utilized incorrectly.

On a related note, it is also wise to avoid any manly games against a woman.(Drinking games, arm wrestling, etc) When you compete against a woman, your manliness will be permanently tarnished if she wins. The exception to this rule is when a man purposely loses in order build self-esteem in the woman with the intended goal of sexual activity later in the evening.

A man can never win a fight that he started with a woman. A man can never win a fight that he didnt start with a woman.

Woman/Woman (Cat) Fights

 * Women have no code of conduct while fighting and clothing miraculously loses durability. This is why cat fights are so entertaining.

Man/Child Fights

 * Harassing children with your superior strength and stature is manly. It is also acceptable to spank a child, even if it isn't your child but the parents are being inactive. However, once you make the leap to actually fighting children it is no longer manly. Losing such a fight makes you a Princess.

Man/Animal Fights

 * Any man fighting an animal bigger than a large dog will be immediately deemed awesome. Such fights have no rules, as nature is a bitch.


 * If a man is seen fighting an adult grizzly bear, and has won, he is immediately deemed awesome, and is exempt from ever being called Princess, unless he is seen beating a woman or a child.

Midgets
No man shall fight a midget. The risk to one's manliness is too great, as outsiders may easily confuse this as a man razzling a child, which as aforementioned, is not manly. If a midget provokes the fight, a man shall be expected to make all reasonable attempts to avoid the fight but shall in no instance run away. It's only a midget after all. Using comments such as "Settle down little fella" are encouraged.


 * Caveat: If it is a Ninja Midget, Biker Midget, or Lumberjack Midget then you shall be encouraged and required to fight them as these particular midgets carry an appropriate level of manliness to compensate for their unmanly stature. Provoking a fight with a Ninja Midget is recommended as, win or lose, that makes for one fucking awesome story.